Penelope Smith

Private to self
I can't do this anymore. I can't keep pretending everything is alright when I'm desperately trying to find some normalcy. I can't keep pretending to know exactly who I am and what I want when I'm still too afraid to admit the truth to myself. I'm tired of all the lies and the uncertainty and fear, but it's not going to get better. Even if I listen to Sev and start telling the truth, I won't make things any easier for myself. It'll just be a new struggle. Maybe people here will be alright with it, but what about my family? My mother was nearly shunned from the family for getting a job. People can talk all they want about how Hogwarts is progressive and supportive, but that's not my world, and I can't risk losing everything. Or worse, they won't believe me and they'll force me into something I don't want, and I can't. I've done it for so many years, and it wasn't so bad at first when I still had hope, but now the thought of just moving from boy to boy makes me ill. I just want to be happy for once, even though what I know will make me happy still terrifies me.

But what's the point in changing when the world isn't changing fast enough to keep up. What's the point in finally admitting who I really am when I'm just exchanging one set of problems for the next. I don't know whether a life of marginalization is better than a life of lies. Maybe I could be happy, but what if my mother or Evander stop talking to me, what if I get harassed or lose my job, what if I'm always fetishized and just put in another box? Is it worth it? Especially when there's no guarantee that I'd even be happy. I have a hard enough time making friends, and I can't even imagine how to find a girlfriend something more. And I'm not even sure if that's what I want.

I wouldn't even know where to begin if I admitted that I don't like boys. It's hard enough being a girl who wants more from life than marrying young and producing heirs. I don't know what happens when you admit you're not the girl they raised you to be. That's not what they teach you growing up. All the books and films and fairytales are always girl meets boy, falls in love, and everything's perfect. They don't talk about what happens when girl looks at other girls, or when girl forces herself to have sex with a boy to try to feel normal and feels dirty and used instead, or when girls lies to everyone including herself because she has this image of herself she feels she needs to project. This image that her family and society need her to live up to. They don't teach you how to be different in a society of tradition and repression and proper behavior. They just teach you to smile and lie and be a good daughter, and a good daughter isn't gay.

Gay. I don't even know what that means, not for girls like me.

I wish I knew who I was and what I want. I wish I wasn't so afraid to find out.

Private to Frank Sev Jeremiah Frank
If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anyone?

Parents need to control their children better. They should not be given free reign and be allowed to terrorize any poor person whose path they cross. I should not be accosted by them when I'm minding my own business, innocently buying new quills. They should not address me, they should not touch me, and preferably, they should not be anywhere near me. I don't think this is an especially difficult request. They should also not be permitted to scream at the top of the lungs for absolutely no reason. We have silencing charms, parents. Use them. I will if you don't.

I think those stupid dolls only intensified my dislike of children.

Our house is so wonderfully, beautifully silent. No babies, no first years yelling, no stupid boys daring each other to do something ridiculous, no vapid girls shrieking. Obviously not having any work or prefect duties is nice, but being able to have time alone- in quiet- is easily my favorite part of the holidays.

Private to friends (most Slytherins, Eddie, Frank, Sev, Ruby, idek)
It's still strange that Tanner and I are dating since he's not someone I've ever envisioned myself with. We're hardly some great love story, but I was surprised to find that he can be sweet sometimes. I am still not entirely sure what to make of this relationship, but it's beginning to feel a little more normal.

Private to Tanner
Would you like to go out to dinner some time this week?

I am quite thrilled to no longer be a mother. Especially after it got sick. Which was really rather clever of them, I must admit; I imagine it made parting with the child easier for some and it certainly took away the illusion that parenting is always pleasant. Though as I have never wanted to be a mother, I was simply repulsed, not educated. But at least it's done with. Of course, we have exams coming up, but I'm almost looking forward to them; at least they're straightforward and not some ridiculous 'be a parent' type of thing.

Private to Scor
So anything you hope luck will get you?

Private to Chase
Are you alright?

Though I am really just asking as a formality. It was rather obvious that you're not.

I am quite glad everyone has stopped gushing about how adorable their fake child is. They all look basically the same, and I have little interest in hearing people talk about how special or cute or wonderful their doll is when there's really nothing outstanding about it. While under different circumstances, I could perhaps agree that a baby is cute, but being constantly surrounded by them has caused them to lose any appeal they may have had. I would be alright with raising a child because at least they're closer to being a real person, but babies just cry and smell and they can't do much of anything. I do not understand the appeal. I am grateful though that my partner seems to actually know what he's doing. Though it is rather funny that it's the male who has all the maternal instincts. A sign of modernity, I suppose.

Private to self
I don't know what that Salem boy is thinking, going around spreading rumors about people's sexuality. I'm just thankful it wasn't me. Though I suppose no one would think that of me. I do have a boyfriend. Barely, but. But I really can't imagine anything more horrifying that a secret, private aspect of yourself being talked about so openly.

Private to Ruby
Your teammate seems like a prat.

Private to Tanner
Last time I checked, one is supposed to actually see one's significant other, but you've been rather quiet lately.

I suppose this is my way of saying that we're long overdue for another date.

If anyone declares their love for me or tries to pull any of that romantic nonsense, I will hex them. Yes, that includes you too, Tanner. But if anyone hurts or takes advantage of my friends today or any other day, they will end up in the hospital wing. I am looking at you, Ryu

Private to Ryu
I hope you realize you made the biggest mistake of your life. You will never do better than Audrey. How could you do that to her?

Private to Slytherins minus those who've taken the love potion and Audrey
Why has everyone gone mental. What is going on. This far surpasses the usual Valentine's craziness.

Private to self
Well, I suppose this puts an end up my boyfriend search. Tanner is not someone I ever envisioned myself with, but he is intelligent and we get along well enough and he's male. I could do worse. I am not sure I am especially attracted to him, but I have faked it before and for boys I like less. I do not really understand why he suddenly decided to 'court' me though. Perhaps he is just trying to get over that quiet Durmstrang girl. Or show her that he is over her. I very much doubt he is all that interested in me, but I don't especially mind. At least I don't need to worry about him being clingy.

This will look good though. Sev essentially already knows- or thinks he knows, but he is wrong. I don't want anyone else to get the wrong idea about me. This should set them straight.

Private to Slytherin girls
Tanner asked me out.

Private to Garrett
It seems my spying did not help you. Are you alright?

Private to Eddie
How is your arm? Do you need anything? I'm sorry I haven't visited today; I assumed you would be swarmed with teammates and fans.

Private to Frank
How did you know you lik If I didn't enjoy sleeping with a boy does that mea I think I may be How do you do it

Private to self
Goddammit

I don't know how to talk about it and I don't know how to proceed, but I know that I don't really want to do either. I just want to be normal, but after what happened with Sev, I'm not sure I can be. It's been almost a month since I've talked to Tori, but I'm still thinking about what she said and about how much sense it makes. Which really just makes me sick because it shouldn't make sense, and by now I should have realized that we're nothing alike but

I don't think that's true anymore.

I'm not sure if I'm interested in men.

I can't do this though. I can't. I need to be normal. It's alright for some people to be gay different, but it's unacceptable to me.

The only solution, it seems, is to just keep lying and hope that it eventually becomes true.

Private to Slytherin Girls
I think it's about time I found myself another boyfriend. Single is fun, but I am bored of it.

Private to Rosalind
Speaking of love lives. Are you still infatuated with my brother?

Private to Scorpius
Your would-be-girlfriend's a bit of a tart, isn't she.

Private to Garrett
Have you confessed your feelings to Ava yet? Your chaste flirting is becoming quite boring.

Private to Essie
I am not sure how I became so involved with everyone's romantic lives.

Private to Tori
Can I ask you something?

And if you repeat this to anyone, you will regret it

Private to Garrett
Are we doing anything before Essie's party?

/Private

I always look forward to coming home. It is wonderful to have some quiet for once, and I'm thankful my parents don't try to force us to do any ridiculous family bonding activities. I could do without seeing my mother's parents though. They are far too conservative for my liking. Really, my grandmother is extremely concerned because I don't have any marriage prospects. It is ridiculous, and it took all my strength not to snap at her.

But the holidays have been generally relaxing. I'm not particularly looking forward to returning to studying, nor am I excited for this stupid sex ed among other things.

I don't especially like having my parents around. It's disconcerting when my home life and my school life meet. I must admit, I did my best to avoid them at career day; I will be seeing them soon enough, and I told them that I would not want to monopolize their time when there were other students waiting to talk to them about important things. That seemed to work. I will say that career day wasn't a complete waste of time. Some of it was interesting, though I didn't come out of it knowing what I want to do with my life. I do wish they hadn't made us listen to all of the talks; I already know that I am not going into a field like quidditch and I see no reason why I needed to sit through it.

But I must say, having people's parents around seemed to make people behave. I was pleasantly surprised that no one made a fool out of themselves.

Private to Dex
So what did you do to my brother?

Private to Scor
I've heard rumors that you've found yourself a date.

Private to Eddie
I've been a rather poor friend, and I've neglected to talk to you about your rather traumatizing experience with that infant who declared his love. I do hope you told him off, and that you have recovered.

Why is everyone posting pictures of their family? Didn't we cover all of this in the summer? And, more importantly, do people really still think anyone cares? I know that I could not give a damn about what your father looks like. Unless it's a picture of someone we all know doing something entertaining, I can't imagine why anyone else would care. Yes, I know, some are trying to avoid all of the drama about who offended who and trying not to further offend, but really now. Drama is, frankly, far more interesting than a picture of your mother on her 40th birthday. And you don't have to be boring to avoid offending anyone.

In other news, I am quite looking forward to Essie's ball. I imagine Garrett will be a decent enough date, and I do love a good party, particularly one that does not involved people simulating sex in the corners. Far too many people seemed to think the last party was an acceptable place to display their lust and sexual attraction for their partner. It wasn't. I expect people will act civilized at Essie's and I am certainly looking forward to that.

Private
This needs to stop. I don't like feeling like I can't control my body and what it does. There was that thing with Essie and last night at the ball, when I was behaving in ways that were inappropriate without really being able to stop it. I take some solace in the fact that others were behaving poorly, but I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about me. Ophelia and Celima and Dani aren't even the kind of people I normally talk to, let alone flirt with. It would have been bad enough if I only acted untoward around boys but with this, I don't know what people will think and it's not really what I want people to be thinking about. I don't want people associating me with something I'm not.

I don't know why this keeps happening. I just want it to stop. I just want to be normal. That's not terribly unreasonable to ask for. I don't need exceptional or extraordinary; just normal. I want my body to respond to the things I want it to, to the things girls are supposed to want. I want to look at a boy and see a future, not a way to keep up appearances. I want to kiss him and see fireworks but instead I just count the seconds until it's over. I want to stop feeling like my life is somehow a lie.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I hate it.

/Private

Private to Corbin, Essie, Lisa, Roald
At least France seems like it should be a straightforward enough country. Any ideas? And can any of you actually cook? I think we should assess our talent level because we decide on a food. We can also talk to some of the Beauxbatons students for ideas.

I do enjoy how they put four Slytherins in a group though.

/Private

Cooking. Joy. I would rather do another interview. While Mother taught me many things, cooking was not one of them.

The masquerade was enjoyable at least. I apologize if I made anyone uncomfortable though; I wasn't quite myself. Still, it was entertaining to see some people acting differently and no one was especially out of control.

I've been far less inclined to trust our professors lately. If they'll change our bodies without our consent, there's no telling what else they'll do. That said, I am quite glad that things have been uneventful and work is back to being the same usual, boring things. I'm not sure I've ever been so thankful for normalcy.

Private to Essie
I appreciate not being mentioned in your gossip post. I wouldn't want people getting the wrong idea.

You're not going to tell anyone, right?

Private to Garrett and Scorpius
I should have taken Garrett's advice. I did something stupid while a boy.

I cannot believe the school did not at least ask for our consent. This is appalling and should be illegal. While I wouldn't go as far as to say that I will be traumatized for life, I am not happy. And I do not like being male. I want my body back.

Private to Scorpius
Feeling any better? Did you write your parents?

Private to 6th year Slytherin girls (turned boys)
I'm sorry, I've been too busy contemplating stabbing things to see how you're handling all of this. Are you all alright? I would suggest we go punch something because at least now it will be socially acceptable since, after all, boys will be boys and aggression is encouraged, but it sounds like Audrey beat all of us to that.

Private to Garrett
I am now painfully aware that the whole 'men only think about sex' bit is not an entire myth. These are not things I wanted to know. I hate everything more than usual.

Are Americans somehow programmed to strip at the drop of a hat? Maybe something in the water there? This is the second one I've seen who seems to have decided that clothes are optional. They are not. Please do not get any ideas, boys of Hogwarts. While there are a few who would look decent naked, we don't need to see the majority of you sans clothes. You will only embarrass yourselves.

Though I suppose life has at least been a little more interesting (even if I do expect my fellow Slytherins to behave, at least in public, since I do not want to be docking points from you). But I am already tired about hearing about the Hogwarts trials. At least they're today so maybe we'll finally get a break from the Quidditch talk, at least until the first Hogwarts game.

Private to Eddie, Jack, Charles, Garrett, other Slytherins I have forgotten
But as much as I hate Quidditch, I do hope you make the team, and I hope your trials went wonderfully.

Since I am voluntarily talking Quidditch, I imagine I'm going soft. Pity.

I've forgotten how much I dislike showing first years around. While I like the title of prefect and I don't mind children in theory, answering the same question over and over again becomes tedious rather quickly. I suppose I should be thrilled that part of my job is to shape the minds of the future leaders of the worlds or however we refer to children these days; there are always a few infants who show promise, and I don't always mind being a resource. But I am far more interested in making sure that no one breaks the rules by doing something stupid. I suppose that those who don't know me should be aware that I find absolutely no difficulty in docking points or reporting you.

On a lighter, less threatening note, I hope all those who attended my party enjoyed themselves. No one did anything too embarrassing or ridiculous so I for one consider it a success.

I know I should be excited about this big Quidditch tournament, but I really can't bring myself to care even a little bit. I have never been one for Quidditch. But it will be interesting to meet students from other countries; I am just hoping that they are not all mindless jocks.

But I have an announcement. Next weekend, my mother is allowing me to host a party to mark the end of summer. You are all invited, provided that we have actually spoken before (unless you are a foreign student, I suppose) and that you promise not to embarrass me or else I'll have your head. No, that is not an exaggeration.

I also require a date. No, I don't want to hear anything about how generations of women have paved the way for us to escort ourselves to a party. That is the mindset of the ugly and the classless. As I possess both beauty and class, obviously I will need a date. As these are indeed modern times, I will choose my date for myself since I do not have the patience for boys who will never meet my standards trying to win me over. (As a general note, persistence after a girl says no is not charming. It is just a way for you to humiliate yourself, and you'll either end up looking pathetic or predatory.) Garrett, I have decided that you'll do. If this goes well, I'll even consider letting you become my boyfriend.

As for everyone else, you are more than free to buy yourself something new and nice to wear. I reserve the right to kick you out if you show up looking like you just spent the night on the street.

Life is beautiful but beauty is a dying art

Preface, painless
You looked so pretty in that long tall dress
Pistol for a princess
One off girl, one track boy, one face to ransack troy
But you can never really arrive( . )